Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I want her autograph on my taint
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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