Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize