dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
