Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
