Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Randomize
