I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
