I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
