Just fell off a train. Bad.
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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