my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
