you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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