I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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