Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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