Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You took a bar mat shot.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
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