We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
