I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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