We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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