Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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