Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
