Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
