I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
