if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
It was like getting head from an anaconda
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
