Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
