Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
