he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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