apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
