Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
