Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
