He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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