Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Randomize
