I'm really into asian looking animals
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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