Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
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