if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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