I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
