And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
