i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
