My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
