My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
