Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
