my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
