The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
