i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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