apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
