remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Randomize
