I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
