I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize