first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Randomize
