im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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