hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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