I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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