I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I have aggressive nipples.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
