Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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