He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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