I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
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