I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
