Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
