My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
